SITUATION A
The Raptors win, everyone calms down for a day, we get a false sense of superiority over the Magic, and we move closer to a first round meeting with Lebron the Wonder Boy.
SITUATION B
Raptors lose their third in a row, Hedo and Rashard set an NBA record for 3’s made, Dwight Howard outrebounds the entire Raptors team singlehandedly, and we move closer to a first round meeting with Orlando.
Tonight I face a dilemma. Do I want what’s better for the franchise or my blood pressure?
Thank god the outcome is beyond my control. I’m what you might call a TAD indecisive. Or maybe not, I don’t know. But I have a hard enough time choosing appetizers at dinner, let alone choosing between the 4 seed and Lebreezy or the 6 seed and Supe.
But with Doomsday’s 40-point Kryptonite enema out of the picture, Superman might make this decision easy. He could play as Clark Kent and still kill our bigs. If I know Sam Mitchell (and I don’t), he’ll use Kris and Andrea to spell Rasho on Dwight and not Primoz, aka the only Raptor tough enough to bump with Big Baby Jesus. Makes perfect sense if this was a TV sitcom…and sometimes it seems that way.
The thing that makes me furious about this whole boxing out issue we’re having is that it boils down to “won’t”, not “can’t”. We have players who have been educated in the fundamentals of the sport since before they could shave. They know how to get their body between their mark and the basket, maintain position and elevate for the rebound. They just don’t do it. So if we can’t rebound against Jared Dudley and Matt Carroll, we’re going to get massacred by Dwight, Hedo, and Rashard (though Lewis seems to have given up on doing anything but jacking 3’s).
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that AP and Delfino will do a good job on the Magic’s perimeter players. I have absolutely no evidence to support this, but it has to happen sometime, right? I don’t expect Jamario to get the memo, but AP and Carlos are two smart basketball players – they have to figure it out eventually. And I’m hoping ‘eventually’ is tonight.
With at least one of Nelson or Dooling sitting out tonight, we’ll need two of those yellow-jacketed security guards keeping an eye on Stan Van Gundy while he’s at the ACC to ensure he doesn’t kidnap Jose, shave his head, and pass him off as Carlos Arroyo.
We’ve reached Day 30 of the “Will Kapono Hit A 3?” watch. DAY 30!!! That’s, like, a whole month!
Thank god the Dinette convinced me not to stage a hunger strike until he hits one…I’d be long gone. It’s getting a little ridiculous already. At least take one and miss, fuck. If someone told me that we’d hire the best shooter in the NBA, the reigning 3-point champion, but we wouldn’t make him attempt a shot from beyond the arc, I’d ask if BC and Sam switched brains like in one of those old timey cartoons. It’s like hiring a receptionist who doesn’t answer the phone. People have specific skill sets in all professions which companies hire them to perform. You can’t tell me you’d keep your job if you decided to stop performing the tasks outlined in your job profile.
Which side of the fence you land on depends on your expectations for the rest of the season: Do you expect the Raptors to actually win a playoff series? Or are you content with them getting another year of GOOD experience* under their belt?
* Because BAD experience exists, don’t kid yourself
Before we go, we have an official announcement: From here on in, please refer to the Hardwood Paroxysm guys as “Mr.”, the requisite title for anyone mentioned in Bill Simmons’ links column. That, my friends, is the big time. So congrats, Misters Matt Deuce.
